A common complaint these days is that people don’t vote because they don’t like either candidate. Well, I have the solution: Me. I’m hereby announcing my candidacy for the 2040 Presidential election. I figured, if I start my campaign 35 years before the election, I should get ahead in the polls. I know what you’re thinking--sure, he’s good looking, brilliant, athletic, and makes the best movies in the history of the world…ever. But what makes Hank Braxtan Presidential material? Where does he stand on the issues? Well folks, worry not. I’ve made a short list of some of the major concerns facing this country, as well as issues I think we’ll be dealing with by 2040.

EDUCATION

Statistics show one thing is clear: our kids are spoiled, dumb little bastards. Shock troopers will be hired in schools to randomly beat under-achieving students publicly. An F on a test means a week in the hole.

NATIONAL DEFENSE

All soldiers stationed abroad will be armed with flamethrowers. Let’s face it: Fire is scary. And our military will wear all black, with some kind of masks, because let’s face it: that’s scary, too.

ECONOMY

To improve the economy is simple: print more money!

HOT DOGS

I will sign an executive order mandating that hot dogs and hot dog buns are sold in equal quantities. Furthermore, better materials will be used to construct hot dog buns, so they don’t crumble when you try to slide your wiener in there.

HEALTH CARE

Dr. Claw.

ENVIORNMENT

Everyone knows that dryers eat socks, which leads to my solution for waste disposal. We will create a giant dryer, and with that giant socks. We then stuff the giant socks with garbage, nuclear waste, or whatever we want to dispose of. Throw them in the dryer and just let it run.

CLONES

I will have multiple clones of myself, which will do all the hard work. At the end of the day, I’ll simply download their knowledge and experience into my brain. I will also develop clone army, armed with flamethrowers.

ROBOTS

All robots are not to be trusted. By 2040, a violent crime in America will be committed by a robot every 33 seconds.

TRANSPORTATION

I will invent a hover train. This technology will be quite simple, based on sound scientific research. Wrap your mind around this: Everybody knows, if you drop a cat, it will always land on its feet. Similarly, a lesser known fact states that if you drop a piece of buttered toast, it will always land buttered side down. What my technology will allow scientists to do, is strap the buttered toast to the back of a cat, butter away from the cat. If you drop this apparatus, the laws of physics state that it will not be allowed to touch the ground, thusly it will hover in place. Enough hovering cats/toast would be able to carry infinite amounts of weight.