Mario VS Sonic VS Jason!

It is truly a sad day for video gamers around the world. Who knew that just 12 years ago, Nintendo was planning a video game that would have ensured the big N's dominance of the industry? Back in 1992, there was a war being raged on every school bus, playground, and living room in the country. Sides would be chosen, lines would be drawn, and brother would fight brother over one of the most controversial topic in recent memory. Which is better? Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis? Or more precisely, who would win in a fight: Mario or Sonic? I was recently able to sit down with Larry McMannis, who was a developer of a top secret game Nintendo planned to settle argument once and for all.

Hank: Okay…Larry. Why don’t you tell our thousands-er, Millions of readers who you are.

Larry: My name is Larry McMannis, and I was the leading supervisory head vice president executive in charge of development, testing, programming, and sales for Nintendo of America back in 1992.

Hank: Wow, that’s quite a title. I just call myself lord, master, or the magnesium cheetah.

Larry: Indeed, we had long titles for a reason. We find it to be confusing to the outside world…and those bastards at Sega who constantly spied on us! Mother F***ers!

Hank: Now, I know that what the readers want to know, is what is the deal with Mario VS Sonic VS Jason?

Larry: Well, back in the early 90’s, we were really at war with Sega. Their Genesis console was eating a pretty large hole in our market share.

Larry: One of the biggest arguments was “who would win in a fight? Mario or Sonic the Hedgehog?” I mean, everyone wanted to know.

Hank: Yes, I remember they asked that question in the 1992 Presidential debate. Mr. Bush’s answer may very well have cost him that election.

Larry: Oh, without a doubt, Hank. Without a doubt. But I mean, come on! The guy actually thought Sonic would win! Sonic!

Larry: Right, Norm Stanwick of product development had a great idea to make a video game that would let players decide who would win. You know, as long as Mario wins. Because if Sonic won, the game would be over.

Larry: Anyway, Norm thought: “Hey, if we’re gonna put Mario and Sonic in a game, why not throw Jason Voorhees in for good measure!”

Larry: No. It was supposed to be Alf, but we couldn’t get the rights cleared. We also attempted to get the rights to use characters like Macguyver and Doogie Howser, M.D. but to no avail.

Hank: Sega actually let you have the rights to their beloved Hedgehog for this game?

Larry: Think about it, Hank. They actually thought Sonic would win! They thought we’d be doing them a favor by releasing this!

Hank: Obviously that’s the route you gotta go with. I mean, if you don’t stand behind your console’s spokesman, who will?

Larry: Right, so we had this thing almost completely done before the plug was pulled.

Larry: Well, there was a level where you could use the Nintendo multi tap to play three players. One as Sonic, one as Mario, and one as Jason. It was a pretty balanced race. Mario was on his home turf…

Larry: Uh, that is correct, yes. Actually, we really didn’t get much support for this game, so we were just reprogramming the original Super Mario Bros. and adding Sonic and Jason to the mix. Of course, this took up memory, so we had to get rid of the flying Koopa Troopa’s, Bowser, and the second warp zone.

Larry: Well, we had to eliminate level 6 and replace it with the Green Hill zone, and level 7 was gone and replaced with Camp Crystal lake.

Larry: Well I said Mario had home turf advantage. I mean, think about it. That’s just two levels gone to Sonic and Jason. Mario still has six worlds he’s familiar with.

Larry: Mario had an advantage because it was his home turf. But Sonic was really, really fast. His biggest problem was that the Nintendo’s graphics couldn’t keep up with him, and often he would run off screen and crash the f***ing game.

Larry: Sorry. Anyway, another weakness of Sonic, was that he couldn’t touch any enemies. I mean, Mario could flatten them or knock them out of their shells by jumping on them. But Sonic just died when he tried to jump on them. I mean, since there weren’t any rings in most the levels, he was usually running on empty. Jason was a slow moving character, but enemies couldn’t harm him, they’d just die when they touched him. A big weakness for him was the torch, or any gaps that needed to be jumped. Jason’s character was unable to jump, so he rarely was seen past the first green pipe in the game, and was left to the mercy of the game clock.

Larry: That’s the thing, Hank—he wasn’t a man at all. He’s a brutal killing machine. I mean, who’s gonna care if he dies?

Hank: I guess maybe some hard core Voorhees fans. Plus, some kids might not like it if they’re stuck playing as Jason all the time.

Larry: True. Anyway, due to these logistics, Sonic and Jason’s roles were reduced in the game. They simply replaced Bowser at the end of every castle. It made for an interesting twist in the game.

Hank: I see…the twist being that instead of seeing the familiar Bowser hopping up and down like a retarded turtle, you get these two assholes.

Hank: What are you trying to say? That I unfairly censor other people? That’s bullshit.

Hank: Perhaps. But we’re here to talk about Mario VS Sonic VS Jason. Now, what went wrong? I mean, this game seems like a license to print money.

Larry: Well, a few of the head execs didn’t think so. It took some convincing from Norm and I, but they decided to go ahead with the project.

Larry: It never saw the light of the display case. Shortly before its release, Norm was busted for running a child pornography ring.

Larry: Not just an employee, one of the guys at the top of the totem pole! I mean, this guy was into all kinds of sick s***.

Larry: Indeed, it’s why Mario VS Sonic VS Jason was cancelled, along with any other project Norm was involved in.

Larry: We think he was at it for at least 8 years. The thing is, it was right under our nose the whole time. He used to put business cards in Game Boy games asking kids if they “wanted to be a movie star” and to “keep this a secret”. He used to bribe them with free Kirby dolls and stuff. In fact, they found a few dozen plush Yoshi’s in his trunk stuffed with about 17 pounds of heroin.

Hank: I guess. So I understand you have some screenshots of the game for us?

Larry: Yeah, but you didn’t get them from me. In fact, this interview never happened. I’m up for a promotion, and I’m hoping to be working on the new Zelda VS Metroid game soon. Oh, and I didn’t say that, either.

Hank: Don’t worry, I erased your last name from this interview before I published it.

Larry: Oh, the pleasure is all mine. Big fan of yours, anyway. I loved “Freddy VS Ghostbusters”, and “A real Hero” is the s***.

Larry: I love that line. What is it? “I just saved a ton of money on my insurance, too bad my house burned down!”

Larry: Okay, but I wanted to talk to you about some video game ideas I had. I want to option “Artsy Fartsy” and make it into a video game for the upcoming Nintendo system. It could come packed with the console.

I had to end the interview right there, since the Westminster Dog Show was coming on USA, and I never miss it. It’s unfortunate that Mario VS Sonic VS Jason never graced the thumbs of gamers, but hey—that’s business. Anyway, check out these screenshots I acquired:


Unfortunately for Nintendo, the only difference between this game and the original Super Mario Bros. was that the player would have to battle Sonic the Hedgehog and Jason Voorhees in place of Bowser at the end of every castle. Here you can see that Mario is easily able to defeat Sonic, sending him into a watery grave...of hot lava.

As with the rest of society, Nintendo was certain that the only way to kill Jason Voorhees and keep him that way was with liquid hot magma. Or with magical fireballs, if you can make it through the castle's many traps without losing them. Here you can see that Mario manhandles Voorhees, and it's into the drink! Unfortunately for Mario, our princess wasn't in this castle, either.